Last night I confessed to my girlfriend that everything was about sex. Now I was high, and we were engaging in sexual activity of course. During this activity of debauchery, I examined and thought how everything was about feeling good; getting an orgasm basically. I theorized it is the most desirable thing. Many people would argue that is not true, but most of those who have had sex, and orasmed, know its power, and hunger for more. Yet those people would say there is more, like god and shit. Its possible that faith is just in our mind though. And really the reason they want to believe in god, and do good, is so that they go to heaven, which is like the ultimate orgasm, it makes you feel the best. Then there are those that believe in love, and connections. It may feel like it sometimes, but we are not connected consciously. In my experiences all those times are when I am on drugs, or eat delicious food, sometimes when I watch a movie, I feel that way. As though my emotions are at their peak. Still, I like being with somebody, I like being with them sexually, and if I had to choose ether watching movies or having sex for the rest of my life, I would choose sex.

Furthermore, why are our bodies made to feel so good? It’s a chemical reaction for physical pleasure or reaching an orgasm. Why do we try so hard to deny these urges when they are built in? It's possible love is about feeling good, and making others feel good. I know that love has always been such a taboo subject to try and explain, but this love in the movies, this so called love that is everywhere, seems all sexual, like sex is the real motive behind it. I don’t feel this thing called love. Yet because of the way we are sexually I experience this wonderful feeling. We both reciprocate in making each other feel this way. It’s obvious in modern day society that all guys and girls want sluts, and whores, nymphomaniacs, and porn-stars that just ooze sex. That is why sex is everywhere. I know that we all have a dark primal side to us that has to do with sex, we are all dirty inside. And that is all we desire, in it’s purest form.

Of course all this sounds degrading and horrible. Therefore I have a few theories about what this means for me, and others, and why we may perceive life in this fashion. First is that I am confusing sex with love, a common thing. It is possible that I can not feel love, or that I haven’t felt it yet, so I am making up ideas for how to describe this wonderful feeling and just accepting that as love. But everybody may do this subconsciously and that is what love really is. Maybe back when the word was created, that is what it stood for, and after generations of repression, we make it a "feeling.” If you look back to cavemen and first signs of our history, there were a lot of rituals that revolved around sex. In fact one of the first pieces of art is a rock that is carved out like a naked woman, with her genitals in plain sight.

My next feasible vice is addiction. This could be an addiction to sex and even substances. I have found this thing that makes me feel good and am addicted to it, and I don’t want there to be anything else. I would love to have an orgasm all the time, one hundred percent of the day. Though I am not always comfortable when I orgasm, nor is each one as perfect, wouldn’t it be wonderful if I could not have to worry about anything else in life, like money, food, etc. That is what words like bliss, and heaven are for. This is a very selfish endeavor, and has obviously driven many to covet this for themselves at the sacrifice of others. Then there are the people who want pure peace and happiness. They want to feel good and desire for others to feel that way. Maybe that is what true love is, to want other to feel good, selflessness. I felt that way. Yet I cannot help but deny the fact that sex is something primal and natural. Occasionally I see myself hunger for physical pleasure at the expense of others. I tell myself I don’t care about them because they don’t care about me, and fuck them. What difference does it matter, if I am in ecstasy. If I can achieve this in life it would be fine if I died, also know as Overdosing. However, I would choose the route to make others feel good and unquestionably manage to not be in bliss perpetually. And I will strive for that absolute heaven all the time. So don’t worry, I am not going to rush it and kill myself while having sex and doing heroin. This would mean that nothing else matters.

There in lies the problem. I say nothing else matters, but in actuality it’s all about reaching that goal of feeling wonderful however you can do it. We are all different in what gets us off, yet we all want to reach this ideal heaven of pleasure, the ultimate orgasm. Perhaps life is about finding how to get there. Perhaps, like many believe, pure bliss does not exist, but is something to strive for. These fleeting moments of finding eternal bliss are shared in all humans, in some way shape or form.

A defining bridge exists between sex, love, and heaven. It is not all about sex, and orgasms, nor is it all about love, feelings, and expression or even heaven. It is about bliss. It’s about reaching the most perfect feeling in the world. It’s about having everybody feel that way. Like being god. Sex is just an asset of that, a big one though and perhaps the closest one we can get to, that is why I think it is so important. My great friend Walbert spoke words of wisdom that he likes to “live in the moment” furthermore sex feels like the greatest moment. Love may be an illusion that we try to use to describe that feeling of achieving bliss with those you are close to. Really, we all just want to be feel good and be happy.

Well, this is my first journal entry. I added 3 more pictures and want to be more active on all these journal things I have (xanga, Myspace.) Also you can now click on my website link to get my..website.

As for life. life is hard. Though I have a great girlfriend, and I am as happy as I can be, I dont have a job and desperately need one. Otherwise I may not be able to finish school, which would suck very much.

Do you realize how many people suffer from the same disalusionment that they are unique in the way they live thier lives? So many things that we all desire to be indaviduals that are just manipulations from companies to get you to buy there stuff.

Just a little thought.